Every year, the Nobody Asked For This (NAFT) Hall of Fame committee hosts an induction ceremony to welcome a new honoree to its ranks. This year’s inductee is Dirty Shirley. The drink was nominated by colleague and friend Espresso Martini, and support among current NAFT members was unanimous. Espresso Martini’s nomination statement is as follows:

Dirty Shirley embodies the NAFT ethos: She solves a problem that doesn’t exist. The spirits community has expressed that sentiment with full voice, asking in so many words, “What, exactly, is the point of retrofitting a ‘virgin’ cocktail with booze when … actual cocktails already exist?” Like NAFT’s current and future members—yours truly proudly included—Dirty Shirley is neither innovative nor creative, but rather a bastardization of a G-rated recipe that is, or should be, embarrassing to order in public. This is precisely why I couldn’t be prouder to call Dirty Shirley my peer, and this year’s NAFT inductee.

Official Transcript

Audience seats are arranged theater-style, with a center aisle. At the front of the room stands a podium with a small table for honorees and speakers alongside. In the rear of the room is a table for refreshments.

The President bangs his gavel once; the audience falls silent.

PRESIDENT DONGLE: Good evening, and welcome to the sixth annual NAFT Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony. I am Cell Phone Earbud Dongle, president and charter member, and I would like to extend a warm welcome to distinguished guests, fellow members, and particularly to our guest of honor, Dirty Shirley. As always, we dedicate these proceedings to past members we have lost.

The President pauses to nod solemnly at a framed “In Memoriam” portrait of defunct roll-on pain reliever stick Head On.

I hereby call this ceremony to order. Before we begin the proceedings, I’ll ask that Secretary The Original Rabbit Corkscrew™ please call the roll with assistance from our communications intern, Velveeta Martini.

Secretary The Original Rabbit Corkscrew™ (TORC) is beautifully sculpted but massive. Instead of using his NAFT-issued iPad to record minutes, he smugly slips it into an iTypewriter—a device that taps at the Apple tablet’s digital keyboard with rubberized hammers as he pecks at a chintzy mechanical keyboard.

Secretary TORC: Conducting roll call. Keurig Coffee Maker?

Keurig Coffee Maker: Present! And remember, everyone, I brought refreshments!

Everyone groans.

SECRETARY TORC: Slap Chop?

Slap Chop snorts a (very poorly cut) line of cocaine before speaking, which he does frenetically and at top volume.

SLAP CHOP: YEAH, I’M HERE. LET ME JUST SAY THAT, AS A FOOD SERVICE PROFESSIONAL, I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE OF REFRESHMENTS. DO YOU PEOPLE NOT LIKE BITE-SIZED MORSELS OF … ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING?

PRESIDENT DONGLE: Let’s please move on, Mr. Chop. Refreshments have been covered today. I will apologize, however, that there are no cocktails, as every bartender within a four-hour drive refused to work an event honoring Dirty Shirley.

A whirring sound emanates from beneath the front table as Roomba emerges, slamming into various pieces of furniture and several guests’ ankles.

ROOMBA: We might as well hire a wood chipper to cater the meetings, Slap Chop.

SLAP CHOP: HEY! I’D SAY “YOU SUCK” IF IT WEREN’T A BORDERLINE COMPLIMENT. HOW ABOUT YOU GO WASTE ELECTRICITY SOMEWHERE ELSE?

PRESIDENT DONGLE: Enough! Slap Chop, sit down. Secretary The Original Rabbit Corkscrew™, please proceed.

SECRETARY TORC: Sponsors for today’s honoree: Sleeping Bag Suit and USB-Powered Pet Rock?

Sleeping Bag Suit waves; USB-Powered Pet Rock just kind of sits there.

PRESIDENT DONGLE: Very good. We have a quorum. This means it is my distinct pleasure to introduce this year’s inductee: the hit drink of summer 2022, Dirty Shirley. Ms. Shirley, congratulations.

The President gestures to Dirty Shirley, who waves smugly and takes a selfie. She is in a disposable plastic cup filled with Sprite spiked with well vodka. Sixteen translucent cherries bob around in the mixture. A viscous rivulet of grenadine has leaked from the cup and has filled the room with a nauseatingly sweet aroma, akin to a late-’90s shopping mall Yankee Candle store. 

The committee members break into applause.

DIRTY SHIRLEY (with detached levity): What’s good, fam? Can we get a vibe check? Everyone cool? No cap, I’m high-key happy to be here. Big W for me. And, Mr. President, you can just call me Shirley.

This ceremony honestly slaps. Truly the dankest honor to be recognized for my achievements, especially in these dangerous Cancel Culture times, when subversives like me are too often silenced. The woke mob says we don’t belong in their society, that we’re pointless… like it’s a BAD thing!

When I came on the scene, like, a month ago, all these cheugy e-girls had it out for me. It’s like, “OK, boomer, not my fault you’re jealous of my drip.” You all know what I mean! They all tweet about me, complaining that I don’t fit their idea of “real cocktails” that “taste good.” 

Anyway, you all get it. We’re POINTLESS. THAT’S THE POINT. We’re just here, vibing. I’m just gonna ride out this wave of popularity until it comes to a logical conclusion, probably in, like, two or three weeks.

Thank you to Espresso Martini—I’m totally a simp for you! The OG! Everyone else, thank you for your support and for this honor.

President Dongle rises and shakes Dirty Shirley’s paper straw as he addresses the audience.

PRESIDENT DONGLE: Thank you and congratulations, Ms. Sh—I mean, Dirty. The honor is ours. With that, I hereby declare the 2022 NAFT Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony adjourned. And now, please join us in the next room for a social hour presented by Birthday Cake Oreos.

[End of transcript]