Re: The Holiday PAR-TAY You’ve All Been Waiting For!!!!!
From: "Boss Man" < email@example.com >
Happy December, Rockstars!!
Wow, everybody. Insane to think that we’ve already made yet another trip around the Zodiac! I’m sure you’re all exhausted—there are mega EOY vibes in the C-suite, believe me!
And when you work in Tech, EOY means one thing: It’s time to par-tay.
You’re probably thinking, “A party? In this economy?” I get it. We’ve had to tighten our belts around here lately to prepare for a possible r***ssion, and it’s been tough on everyone in our big family of scrappy, can-do problem solvers. (Shout out to the Dev Team for donating all the overtime!)
Despite it all, it’s time for an EPIC end-of-the-year, MULTI-location BLOWOUT.
We may not have a People & Culture team anymore, and there may not be a “budget” for this kind of thing—but I got you. Call me the Can-Do-in-Chief, because yours truly planned and funded an entire evening of nonstop fun. It’s gonna be a night to remember. It’s also required.
The par-tay kicks off next Friday immediately after work. Once the clock hits 7 (or 8ish for the Devs), it’s time to rage: Log off, silence your notifications, and trade in your keyboard for a Solo cup. (Please provide your own Solo cup.)
First stop: the waiting area in front of Reception near the south elevator bank, aka The North Pole!! Don’t be late, because we’re getting a visit from a certain dude in a red suit.
Yep, to get us in the spirit, Santa himself will be sending one of his special local helpers, Ron. Jolly ol’ Ron will be in da house for a full 20 minutes, and he’s contractually obligated to give a big “HO HO HO” if anyone drops 50 cents or more in his donation bucket. Make sure to have those quarters handy... if you’re on the nice list. ;)
After Ron leaves, we’ll have another special visitor: the Ghost of Company Future (moi), who will lead a quick year-end huddle. This will be a zero-bad-news chat—after all, it’s the season of giving, not taking! In fact (spoiler alert), some folks are going to be given extra responsibilities in their stockings this year!
And then, it’ll be time to feast—or should I say fiesta?! We’ll move as one to Chipotle (only a 15- to 16-minute walk), where everyone gets their VERY OWN entrée and plenty of water. Start planning your order now, keeping in mind that for r***ssion reasons, steak, chips and guac will not be on the menu.
Once we’ve reached the legal cutoff for loitering, we’ll pass around a few bottles of Baileys Irish Cream (don’t forget your Solo cup!) before the real magic begins at the next destination: a cozy winter bonfire, complete with entertainment!
Every last one of us is hopping on good ol’ public transport and reconvening in the airport industrial park, where the brave boys/volunteers from Ladder No. 42 have agreed to host an ~exclusive~ demonstration of how quickly old Christmas trees can burn.
And then, get ready for a very special, private holiday concert courtesy of The Lotus Charter Academy Teen Girls’ Bell Choir, starring Ruby, my neighbor’s daughter, who is apparently a literal prodigy. The group has permission to stay up extra late and perform their entire 90-minute repertoire just for our cheery little crew. How’s THAT for some culture? R***ssion be damned!!
Know this, champions: I’m so, so proud of you all and grateful for your hard work. Each of you deserves to be celebrated every day, and I appreciate you all understanding that times are tight this year. After an evening like this, I know we won’t want to part ways. But, truth is, it’s our non-work friends and families that are most important. You’ve all sacrificed so much this year, and you deserve some time with them. I’ll have to bounce to the nearby terminal and catch a flight to my wife’s family’s resort on Mykonos, so you’ll each be responsible for making your own way home.
Thanks for everything this year, and ευτυχισμένο το νέο έτος!! (“Happy New Year” in Greek.)
– Boss Man