[Editor’s note: Igloo, the cooler brand, recently held an emergency all-hands corporate meeting to refocus efforts on its Barrel of Fun 2 Gallon Jug in the hopes of dethroning the hugely trendy Stanley Quencher Travel Tumbler as the water bottle du jour. This is a leaked copy of the minutes from an internal presentation by VP of marketing Todd Kingsley.]
TODD KINGSLEY: Friends, I’ll cut right to the chase. Igloo’s future is in peril. We are behind. We are second-rate. We are losing the water bottle wars to a clunky travel mug with a risk of lead poisoning.
Yet, this thing is today’s must-have, hashtaggable portable hydration accessory. Kids take Quenchers to school. Twenty-somethings drink oat lattes out of Stanley Quenchers at work. Celebrities carry them to spin class! I ask you this: Why? And why not Igloo?!
Todd gestures toward a group of interns, some openly weeping.
Those in Gen Z are the real victims here. What kind of drinkware are they inheriting? Gen Z deserves better. Look, I’m 46, but I really get the Z generation. Gen Z doesn’t want to quench; Gen Z wants to have fun! In fact, they want... BARRELS OF FUN.
An intern tosses a Barrel of Fun to Kingsley. In fluid motion, he catches it, heaves it above his head and smashes it down on top of the Stanley Quencher, hoping to flatten the mug like a pancake. The cooler bounces off the mug and directly back into his hands. Todd slams the cooler down again, and the same thing happens. In a panic, he kicks the Quencher offstage, a move that is later revealed to have broken his big toe, and quickly spins his mistake.
Ha! Good luck redeeming the lifetime warranty on THAT Quencher—if you can find it! It may be “indestructible,” but it’s no match for...
The Igloo Barrel of Fun 2 Gallon! It’s the new “it” water bottle—and the last “it” water bottle! Say goodbye to the Quencher and so long to Stanley! The B.O.F. is BIGGER. It’s huge! Two full gallons. That’s six and a half Quenchers, or twice the daily recommended water intake for an average human. Gen Z may not ever be able to buy homes, but this right here is enough real estate to change their lives.
It’s more convenient, too! Oh, does the Quencher have a widdle handle? Folks, the B.O.F.’s handle is made to be carried with both hands, which, by the way, is literally essential when it’s full of water. And that handle folds down, because... the B.O.F.’s wide lid doubles as a seat. You can’t sit on the Quencher—it’d hurt way too much!
Stanley claims its Quencher is eco-friendly because it reduces plastic bottle use. Well then, consider the B.O.F. extra eco-friendly because it saves way, way more than a tiny bottle. It’s so capacious and versatile that it’ll reduce—nay, replace—suitcases! Infant bathtubs! Orchestral percussion instruments! Even pet crates! And, of course... barrels!
The B.O.F. saves fuel, too. Your morning commute just got B.O.F.-ed! Turn yours on its side, step on top and roll your way past traffic like a modern-day logger!
Speaking of travel, people say the Quencher is “perfect” because it fits in a car’s cup holder. WHO CARES?? The B.O.F. has to buckle directly into the passenger seat—it’s safer than a Quencher!
And have you seen those Stanley shoulder straps? Yeah, real cute. The B.O.F. is just as portable, thanks to an all-new, military-grade, full-body harness carrying system, which evenly distributes weight to prevent most “sloshing.” Or, opt for the ultimate accessory: the B.O.F. All-Terrain Wheelbarrow Attachment!
The Quencher is dishwasher-safe, but the B.O.F. doesn’t need dishwashers! Just grab a hose and give it a rinse every now and then.
And how about those dumbass straws?! News flash: Gen Z hates straws almost as much as sea turtles do! Well, I’ve got one word for you... SPIGOT, baby! No more pipe cleaners, no more sore cheeks!
The crowd of execs goes wild. Everyone chugs water from Barrels of Fun. The CEO rips off his shirt and lets out a primal scream before a marching band—its drums replaced with Barrels of Fun—bursts through the doors, blasting “We Are the Champions.” Audience members lift Kingsley onto their shoulders and cheer.
Friends, we cannot lose with the B.O.F.!! If they want bigger, we’ve got bigger! If they want plastic, we’ve got plastic! It’s the oversized, unwieldy water bottle the people want!! Please tell me you’re recording this! If anyone has contact information for any influencers, email me!!
