Spirits

SantaCon Is Cancelled?

December 21, 2020

Story: Nick Caruso

art: Rymie

Spirits

SantaCon Is Cancelled?

December 21, 2020

Story: Nick Caruso

art: Rymie

Dispatches from the loathed holiday tradition that wasn’t.

The following LiveJournal entries, discovered in an internet cache from late-2020, chronicle the experience of one man, who did not get the memo that SantaCon was, obviously, cancelled.

Saturday, November 21, 8:39 p.m.: Santas Workshop 😉
ONE MONTH TIL SANTACON, BABAYYYYY!! Firing up my live blog again to get this thing STARTED! Pre-gaming online!! LOL. Anyone else? Texted Mom to find my suit and boots in the crawlspace (when I got my own place, had to choose either a window OR a closet. Sucks!). Gonna grab it on Thanksgiving. #PUMPED

Thursday, November 26, 2:46 p.m.: Mom and Dad’s Basement
Turns out the Suit was wayyy in the back underneath three boxes of old Happy Meal toys (no PS5 back in the day lol) and it smells kind of funky. Guessing that’s from those epic Bailey’s shots last year. BONUS: candy cane flask was in the left boot! Gonna have to get a new beard tho. Mice ate it. Seriously—anyone else getting really amped? Gonna be bigger than ever haha.

Tuesday, December 8, 10:18 a.m.: Santa’s Stoop 😉
Amazon just delivered my new beard and it’s a HUGE BOX OF BEARDS. OOPS. Guess I ordered wrong. Gonna pass these out at the Con!! Get ready!

Monday, December 14, 2:59 p.m.: Santa’s Work From Home Customer Service Job 😉
Asked to take a PTO day next Monday in case I’m still hungover :P. We go hard in 2020. You guys ready, or???? Can’t find this year’s route, so I’m gonna do the greatest hits from the last few years. The EPIC ones. If you have the deets on a new route HMU (not if you’re the 5-0 …lol).

Friday, December 18, 10:32 p.m.: Santa’s Futon 😉
T-MINUS ONE DAY. Protein shakes all day to prep. NYC, here we come. LET’S. GET. JOLLY.

Saturday, December 19, 8:00 a.m.: Santas Sleigh 😉
Llllllllet’s get ready to SSSSSANTACONNNNNNN!!!!!!!! Just kicked off festivities with a Bud Heavy tallboy. Stuffed the suit with a new memory foam pillow and my Santa gut just looked like a briefcase. LOL! Made it round with a lot of duct tape and plastic wrap. Still got the CamelBak to fit too. The smell is A LOT better, but still needs to air out. Hope NJ Transit has the windows open hahaha or should I say HO HO HO. Anyway, packed the Santa sack with a phone charger, granola bars and Pepto and the rest is all these extra beards so find me if you need a facial hair assist. Updating here all day.

8:45 a.m. – PATH train to Penn Station
I haven’t seen any other Santas on board. Weird! You all hiding or what?! Better not beat me to the route haha!! Actually, not a ton of people on the train at all. Oh well! Candy cane’s full of Jame-O, so is the CamelBak. Ready for stop one.

9:04 a.m. – Penn Station
Just hit up the Salvation Army Santa, thought he was a Con-er. Dude did NOT want a hug, but I gave him a beard and a dollar.

9:16 a.m. – Penn Station
Standing in the ticket counter area for a while now. No Santas here. How am I THIS late?! Gonna hurry to catch up with you guys.

9:32 a.m. – Penn Station
Duane Reade LOL—gotta get another roadie 😉

9:50 a.m. – West 48th Street between 7th and 8th Avenues
Yo, just hit up The Ribbon, Blue and Copacabana and must have just missed everyone? Figured the crowd must be at Hurley’s, but nope. Heading downtown for the real action!!

9:58 a.m. – Corner of West 47th Street and 8th Avenue
Shotgunned a Banquet at Duane Reade and grabbed one for the road (Broadway). Legendary.

10:23 a.m. – Bryant Park
Stopping for a breather, but haven’t found you guys yet. Where my elves at?! It is freezing—glad I got the plastic wrap situation going on—but Santas don’t back down, am I right? Maybe everyone’s in the Hamptons? One good thing: haven’t seen anybody hurl yet lol. (Smell is NOT airing out, btw.) CamelBak still going strong!

10:28 a.m. – West 36th Street between 5th and 6th Avenues
Zero Santas at Clinton Hall. This route is definitely wrong. BUT THEY LET ME BUY BEER AND TAKE IT ON THE STREET WHAT. It’s like Vegas!! I didn’t believe the guy at first, but all I had to do was stand behind a line on the floor and get my temp checked (uh, spoiler alert: this pillow is making me burn UP, dude). Went back for seconds! Gave the bartender two beards.

11:04 a.m. – 5th Avenue, Empire State Building
Still not seeing Santa costumes and stuff, but like everyone is dressed up for something else. Maybe Bank Robber-Con? Or like, Doctor-Con? IDK! Everyone I try to stop and ask sort of runs away—could be a huge game of tag!

1:07 p.m. – Union Square-ish?
Candy cane’s empty now. Trying to stay positive. Grabbed a sixer of Claws (grapefruit, obvs) and FIVE GUYS DOUBLE PATTY HEYOOOO. Don’t know HOW I held it for so long, but finally took a leak on a boarded-up Panera (covered it up with a few beards). DUDE! JUST hit me—East Village! Duhhhh. Santa Central, here I come.

2:26 p.m. – Tompkins Square Park
Hit up Coyote Ugly and they let me have a to-go beer, but wouldn’t let me come in (maybe it was the Santa suit smell?). Cruised by Crocodile, since I figured everyone HAS to be starving by now, but no go. Got a huge falafel sandwich down the street (cracked open the Pepto, yikes). Now I’m across from Doc Holliday’s. A few people around, some wearing red paintball masks, but no Con Crew. I SWEAR I keep seeing red-and-white striped tights and a green dress out of the corner of my eye. Maybe it’s a real elf HAHA.

3:15 p.m. – East 31st Street and Lexington Avenue
RALLY!!! Figured I needed some BBQ, so I popped up to Brother Jimmy’s for the authentic stuff. They moved all the tables outdoors… in December… seems like a weird business model, but Santa suit and memory foam are really performing. Def taking notes for next year!

3:54 p.m. – East 31st Street and Lexington Avenue
YO, I see you, elf! If you’re reading this and YOU’RE the elf with the striped tights and you were JUST outside Brother Jimmy’s you GOTTA COME IN and find me! Are you a REAL elf?

5:28 p.m. – Penn Station
This is NUTS. Elf was looking for the Con Crew and saw me!! Lol we have no idea where anyone else is. We grabbed a bunch of Vegas beers and caroled for an hour. Killer setup: green elf outfit, tights, pointy ears AND she had a huge elf toolbox FULL of paintball masks and gave me one for under my beard? Also, keeps handing me Purell (maybe for the suit smell?). She lives nearby me in Jerz!! Gonna catch the PATH back together. I knew today was gonna be awesome. Best Santacon ever.

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Tagged: SantaCon